Miss Manners: Friends talk about parties I wasnt invited to around me
Dear Miss Manners: Is it appropriate to discuss events one has hosted or attended, to which one’s interlocutor was not invited?
Many people in my social and professional circles talk freely about this or that party they went to, or hosted, to which I was not invited. I try to be discreet about gatherings I have attended or hosted when talking with people who were not there, because I do not want people to feel excluded or rejected. But many people in my social circle do not exercise the same consideration toward me.
Is there a proper response to such disclosures that calls attention to the etiquette breach (assuming this is a breach) but that does not expose the hurt I feel, which I would prefer to keep to myself?
Etiquette objects when one or two people in the group are singled out by the rest for ridicule, which is the effect when the group goes on about how much they enjoyed their evening together without you.
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As Miss Manners suspects you already know, the only way to disguise your hurt is not to mention it.
Dear Miss Manners: Ten years ago, I was a working single mom to a loving, but rather difficult, 5-year-old boy. Not having enough bandwidth for everything, I decided to pick my battles in raising him. I focused on the behaviors that were the most important to me, such as being punctual, contributing to household chores, sending thanks for gifts and thinking about other people’s feelings.
Other things, such as table manners, I let go, hoping that he would pick them up by observation, and if not, that I could teach him in the future.
Well … the future is here! He is a punctual, grateful, kind 15-year-old who cooks and cleans. But his table manners are atrocious: He hunches down over his plate, chews with his mouth open, talks with his mouth full, etc.
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Do you have any advice on how to address this now? We have a really good relationship, but as an independent teen, he’s touchy about instruction from Mom. (By the way, the angle of making a good impression on a potential romantic partner won’t work. He’s not there yet!)
Even parents with greater bandwidth (which Miss Manners assumes to mean more time for parenting rather than a louder speaking voice) do not teach everything at once. Consider table manners an extension of the parental lessons that went before. That the delay has made the task harder — because your son is of an age where he is less receptive — makes her wonder whether perhaps you did mean speaking louder.
Just remember how you taught other manners successfully: by repetition and appealing to a sense of kindness to others. Sloppy table manners can damage the appetites of those around him.
New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.
© 2023 Judith Martin
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